Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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