By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
