omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize