I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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