Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
wow bdsm is so cute
Randomize
