Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
