i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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