You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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