oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize