In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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