im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
