I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
