I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
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