I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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