3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
