i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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