The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize