By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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