Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize