This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
