Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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