4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize