My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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