so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
