Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
