My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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