why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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