Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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