Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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