He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize