if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
