I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
