I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
