you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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