I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
