I'm pants shitting drunk right now
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize