I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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