I haven't been this sober since birth.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I AM VODKA MAN
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
