My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Still dying that you shit outside
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Randomize
