I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
