My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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