Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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