I wish I could punch you in the face.
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
