Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
