We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
whose parrot is this?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
