Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
