I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
