so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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