I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
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