Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize