My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Randomize
