So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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