You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
he just fucked me for my cheese..
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
