You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize