I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
