Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
