you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize