Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
