i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
